Too Much to Say

I don't wanna disappear forever like I did before. So, this is just a quick update.

I'm down to about 145 lb...which is getting so old. I would be so happy to see 142 on the scale. Like, crazy happy. But, alas...still 144+.

But I'm doing better w/ my restriction, so I hope I can keep it up.

I've been doing pretty well lately. I've just been listening to my body and my mind. I don't eat anything I don't actually want and I don't really deny myself what I crave. I haven't really been counting calories, although I try to keep them under 1,200, if not a 1,000. I pick healthy choices 8 times out of 10 and I've lost a few pounds just doing that...and I haven't been hungry. I have a pair of pants that are pretty tight...so I'm going to try to use those as a gauge for my progress...I'll still use the scale (as if I have the willpower to avoid weighing myself), but I'm also going to use my appearance as a measurement.

Good luck to me!

So, today was successful. I had 220, approximately.

I'm trying to figure out what to have for the 400 day.

Um...

Tomorrow's Plan

Breakfast:
Grits (again) - 105.5 kcal

Snack at Borders:
Coffee w/ whipped cream and sweetener - 50 kcal

Lunch:
3/4 cup of Egg Beaters - 78 kcal

Snack:
Miso soup w/ seaweed and soy sauce - 57 kcal

Dinner:
Steaming cup of cocoa - 109.5 kcal

Total = 400 kcal

I am truly amazed that I, who pigged out so terribly yesterday at ihop (at 11pm, no less!), weighed-in this morning at only 145lb. I am soooo happy. I know, once again, that it's missing water weight...but I don't care...I'm happy.

I won't be weighing myself again until Saturday, probably...I will have to force myself off that scale. It is such a compulsion now.

I think I'm gonna fake sick to get out of doing any house work today...200 calories is rather low...and I don't want to have to eat off schedule to stop any strain...plus, I really don't feel like it right now.

I have a job interview tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to wear...but I'm really excited...and terrified. This is Borders we're talking about...I really want this job. Unos already hired me...so I have a back-up...but I don't think I wanna work around food everyday...and have to rely on a-hole customers to tip correctly.

So, tomorrow I'm doing 2468 w/ some girls I befriended...I'm excited. I hope we all do well. My mom is all like, "I'm cooking those chicken wings tomorrow, so you will eat." She doesn't know I'm back into my ed, but I have been trying to stall the cooking of those bloody chicken wings. She oven cooks the buffalo wings...but still...I could have 3 or 4 (if that) and I would be at my 200 limit for tomorrow.

So, I'm just gonna have to find some way around eating it. Maybe I'll "eat" in my room. Hopefully, that will work.

Tomorrow's Grand Slam Plan (like all the rhyming I just did?...hehe.)

Breakfast:
Grits (mmm...cheddar or bacon flavored) - 100 kcal
Coffee - 10 kcal

Lunch:
1/4 cup of Egg Beaters w/ vegan cheese - 55 kcal
Green tea - 0 kcal

Dinner:
Miso soup w/ seaweed and soy sauce - 35 kcal
Green tea - 0 kcal

Total = 200 kcal

And that's all, folks. : )

I decided to have a few more calories before bed so that I can walk around the mall w/ my friend, Bryon, tomorrow w/o passing out. I'm gonna fast again.

I fixed some egg beaters w/ vegan cheddar, so that's about 70 calories and I fixed a bowl of grits again, but I really don't want them, so I've probably only consumed about 40 calories worth of grits. I'm gonna finish that bloody, delicious bag of chips (I honestly can't freakin' resist their kettle-cooked goodness), so that will be about 160 more calories. And I'm having a green tea w/ sweetener, so that's 8 kcal.

So my grand total for today is (::drumroll please::) 840.5...that's really not bad at all (considering I should be taking in about 1900 kcal a day and I exercised a bit today)...so why do I feel like crap about it?

I only slept about five hours because I woke up at 7:30. I decided to burn a few calories and take a 30 minute walk on the treadmill. I burned about 100 calories, so I'm having a bowl of instant grits with 50% less fat bacon bits and coffee.

Grits w/ bacon bits - 105.5 + 20 kcal

Coffee w/ half and half and 5 pkts. of sweetener - 30 kcal

Plum - 35 kcal

Breakfast total = 190.5 kcal

I did my first successful liquid fast yesterday and I was gonna do the same today, but I decided I don't want my metabolism to completely shut down...but I'm not even enjoying my breakfast...which is perfectly fine w/ me. It IS tasty, don't get me wrong, but I just don't want it.

I'll probably just have some miso soup and green tea for lunch and some cocoa/coffee for dinner. That will be so few calories for the day I don't think I will gain any real weight.

I'm 145.6 right now, but it's mainly because I'm dehydrated...I think I'm actually about 147, which is still major weight loss from yesterday...fasting really does work! I'm crazy happy.

Today was my first time fasting successfully.

I am so happy!

I only had coffee, water, and miso soup (nix the seaweed and such). Including the miso and the coffee add-ons I had less than 300 calories today, but I'm just getting hungry for the first time right now...but I'm not tempted, in the least, to eat.

My mom and I went to the movies and then IHOP, but I just split a meal with her and pushed the food around a bit, stuck the bare fork in my mouth, feigned chewing, and hid a little bit of the food...that's the first time I've ever resorted to tricks...and I'm so proud of myself for not tasting those delicious-looking eggs, sausage, and hash browns...

I honestly didn't even want to eat after doing so well today. The idea of consuming anything was just unbareable.

Maybe I can do this for another day or two...I don't really have plans to do much tomorrpw...so, I think I can do it. I honestly don't know if I could eat solid food on my own right now...after not having any all day.

Um...1208 was my approximate total for today. Not too bad...not really. I plan on going on a fast tomorrow...I've never done one before, but I would be super-happy and super-proud of myself if I could. I will allow myself any beverage I want, except soda, and that's it.

I'm tired of being stuck at 150...I don't look horrible, but I could look better and I could be losing better. I'll probably leave out around noon and pick up some job applications and visit places I've already applied to. I just quit my job at the bookstore because the commute was too long and one of my managers was making it really unpleasant to be there with his attitude and all. I really need money...so, I'm hoping someone will hire me...ideally, the Borders that is 10 minutes away from me...that would make me soooo happy. : )

So, tomorrow...fast. I can do it. I WILL do it.

I weighed in at 148 today.

Breakfast:

Instant miso soup w/ soy sauce and half a nori sheet - 53 calories

Snack for the day:

Fiber One Cereal (3/4 cup) - 175 calories (minus about 100 calories because there are 20g of dietary fiber and that can't be digested.)

Lunch:

Instant miso soup w/ soy sauce and half a nori sheet - 53 calories
Fiber One Chocolate and Oats Bar - 160 (technically, 124 because of fiber kcal deduction)

Dinner:

3 egg white omelette (mmm...Egg beaters) w/ low-fat bacon bits - 140 calories
1/2 cup of fried rice - 150

After Dinner:

Plum - 50
Banana - 100
Some McD Fries - 100
Candy - 400

Total for the day:

1344 - fiber calories (136) = 1208

I don't think anyone actually reads this journal enough to miss me when I'm gone for months at a time...but, nonetheless, I'm back.

I'm still struggling with my weight, vacilating between trying to lose it and trying to accept it.

I think my set point (the weight my body is meant to be at) is around 150-152 lbs. And that is just so unacceptable to me. My current goal weight is 135 lbs...but that is just because I want to get back to my former, skinny-ish glory. I miss being in the 130s, so that's where I'm aiming in the short run. I know I'm going to want to lose more weight still once I get there, but for now, I just wanna be 135.

I've been gaining and losing and gaining and losing...148, 150, 155, 152, 154...etc. Right now I'm 147 and I hope I can keep up the good work...I actually managed to stay at about the same weight over the last week, despite the fact that I was on vacation and felt like I was always eating...I guess all the walking around Busch Gardens (Williamsburg, VA) and swimming for a couple hours helped...I'm glad. I expected to come back a cow...but no harm, no foul. : )

I had some egg beaters, vegan cheese, and a slice of toast for breakfast...that about 200 calories. And now, I'm filling up on instant miso soup and tea...that's gonna be about 100.

And I think I'll skip eating much more for the rest of the day.

I'm going to a Breaking Dawn (4th book in the "Twilight" series by Stephenie Meyer) release party. If you haven't heard of this book, you're living under a rock...and you must, MUST pick up a copy.

The plan for today failed...I don't particularly want to talk about it.

Plan for Tomorrow

7:00am - Wake up

7:30 - Grab an apple, fill up water bottle, and head to work

7:35 - Stop at 7-Eleven and grab a big water bottle

7:40 - Stop at McDonalds, get a Large Diet Coke (Lite Ice), and a parfait

8:30 - Clock in

9:30-11:30 - Have lots of water every half hour

12:30pm - Go on break, refill the water bottle if necessary, and (maybe) have the apple

1:30 - Have lots of water

2:25 - Drink the whole little bottle of water and decided if you really want lunch

2:30 - Have a Subway sandwich if you want

4:00 - Clock out

5:00 - Get home (traffic is murder on the ride back home), have some water

6:00 - Have an apple, some carrots, or some lettuce and drink more water

7:00 - Same as 6:00

8:00 - Same 7:00

9:00 - Go to bed

So I just purged for the first time ever. I’ve tried it before and wasn’t very successful. And I always stop myself from purging when I eat too much because “there’s always tomorrow to do a better job” and “I don’t want to get addicted.”

But I had 3 slices of pizza and 2 breadsticks and I’ve been doing really well with my eating as of late...and I hated myself for failing. I felt way too full and started to panic...the idea of just letting those calories sit, undisturbed, scared the shit out of me...so I headed to the bathroom.

Marcus, my friend/ex/roommate was busy playing Halo and my mom was asleep...it seemed like the perfect chance to take back some control.

It hurt so much and must have taken me at least a half hour, but I got about 2 slices up and I feel so much better.

But now I’m scared because I wanna do it again...already. I have finally found a way to enjoy the food I crave without the panic over too many calories...what’s not to love about purging (I could never binge...I hate feeling full)...except for the headache and throat-ache that follows...not to mention the eventual heart complications and death.

Ugh...please...give me reasons not to purge again besides those petty little things.

::tries not to cry::